Shitty Day

Yesterday was one of those days that made me feel like I want to run to the highest peak and scream from the top of my lung. I was overwhelmed. Suddenly it was just too much to handle, and yet I didn't accomplished much. I felt like a complete failure.

Had a rough day at work, to the point that I felt hopeless. Went home through usual bad KL traffic in the rain. While stuck in the stupid traffic , I felt like I was in Natelie Imbruglia's music video Torn, ...

Nothing's fine, I'm torn! I'm all out of faith...this is how I fell...I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor....there's just so many things that I can touch, I'm torn!

Got home, emotionally, physically drained. Somehow today the cheery faces of my kids welcoming at the gate didn't help much. Felt really bad for the kids, going home in a zombie mode like this. But I couldn't fake it anymore, couldn't put on a show anymore.

Then Amirul, my eldest was the last straw that broke it all. He happily announced he didn't turn in his homework because he forgot. I knew he is just ten, and he has always been a great boy but I was so upset that he made feel that I am the only one TRYING the be the best, while everybody else in my world, just play along and do whatever they like.

I broke down, cried and wailed. Though knowing the crying won't help solving anything, but it did me good..it kinda lick my wound.

Hubby went to talk to Amirul while I was in the shower. When I was done, Amirul came to me, with puffed, red eyes. He hugged me and said "I'm sorry, Ummi". I didn't rub it in cause there's simply no reason to. He has been a great boy, without any effort from my side. The one who claimed motherhood just from carrying him in my tummy for 9 months, but spent most of her time at work, trying to fix other problems which is not hers to begin with...and then come home drained, everyday expecting nothing but the best from him. Who the hell do I think I am? What right do I have to demand such perfection when I wasn't even there to guide him?!

I am so torn. On one hand I feel I have tried my best to be the best in all roles, and if only everybody else on this planet would put in the same effort, then maybe it'll be less problematic. But on the other, who ASKED me to be ALL THAT? DO I even know why I was put here on earth? Why so kay-poh and assume that I am the one?

If only I get a dollar everytime I hear people say this to me "You are too hard on yourself..."

Thank you Din, for the laughter

Part of my work-day routine since 2009 was to listen to 'Riuh Pagi Era with Aznil & Din Beramboi'. These 2 never fail to crack me up and somehow managed to make my morning traffic woes slightly bearable. Sometimes the jokes were a bit lame, but mostly there were rather original and genius. He was also one of the judges for Raja Lawak, a reality show which was the only show my entire family would watch together; from my parents, my brothers, to my maid & my kids. Else, it's Nickelodeon for the kids, RTM for my parents, Heroes for hubby and me and AXN for the brothers.

But today Din Beramboi have left us. After battling for his life for a few days, he succumbed and went flatline at 12.30am this morning. I am not too sure yet of the actual cause of death, some news reported it was leptospirosis, some say it was dengue.

Went to wiki to see what leptospirosis is and I found this...
"Leptospirosis is transmitted by the urine of an infected animal and is contagious as long as it is still moist. Although rats, mice and voles are important primary hosts, a wide range of other mammals including dogs, deer, rabbits, hedgehogs, cows, sheep, raccoons, possums, skunks, and certain marine mammals are able to carry and transmit the disease as secondary hosts. Dogs may lick the urine of an infected animal off the grass or soil, or drink from an infected puddle. There have been reports of "house dogs" contracting leptospirosis apparently from licking the urine of infected mice that entered the house.
Humans become infected through contact with water, food, or soil containing urine from these infected animals. This may happen by swallowing contaminated food or water, or through skin contact. The disease is not known to be spread from person to person and cases of bacterial dissemination in convalescence are extremely rare in humans.
The infection is often wrongly diagnosed due to the wide range of symptoms. This leads to a lower registered number of cases than actually exist. Symptoms of leptospirosis include high fever, severe headache, chills, muscle aches, and vomiting, and may include jaundice, red eyes, abdominal pain, diarrhea, and rash. The symptoms in humans appear after a 4–14 day incubation period."

I guess whatever the cause of death to Din's was, the point is life is too precious to be spent on trivial things. It is also too precious to be spent on making money and climbing up corporate ladder. Couldn't help but wonder, what if I was in Din's place? The thought alone send tremor throughout my body. The list of "I should've...." is so long, started with "I should've spent more quality time with my lovely kids".

To Din's family & close friends, your loss is definitely ours too. But Din's story reminds us of the inevitable; that we will all leave this temporary world eventually. The question is are we prepared to leave this world (meaning have we done enough for our loved ones) and are we prepared for the afterworld? I pray for myself and all of us will, insyaAllah.

My D.O.E

When I decided to ditch my over a decade career in engineering and ventured into Human Resources, I didn't exactly know what I want to ended up as. It was like playing back my 1980's memory of being asked that lame question of "What do you want to become when you grow up?" Ironically enough, I remember being confident with my answer...it was either Lawyer or Teacher. I really am envious with that confident 8 year old...what have happened to her since then? Why am I no longer have that humongous confidence to announce to the world of what I want to 'grow' up into?!

Through out my journey on seeking that 'ideal' job, I begin to realize that I am actually going through a huge experiment. Sadly though, I am the lab rat. I thought that the best way to derive a conclusion of this experiment is to use DoE which I have learned and applied during my tenure as a design engineer for Motorola. Design of Experiment (DoE) is a structured, organized method that is used to determine the relationship between the different factors (Xs) affecting a process and the output of that process (Y). This method was first developed in the 1920s and 1930, by Sir Ronald A. Fisher, the renowned mathematician and geneticist. While I can not guarantee the accuracy of the formula I have came up with, but it sure does eliminate the 'white noise'.

Let's say, the output (Y) that I seek for is 'happiness @ work'. From my experience of 13 years earning an income as a living, my Xs are:

F(happiness @ work) = f(boss; gender & race) + f(work nature) + f(environment/culture) + f (income)

1st stop; R&D Engineer @ Robert Bosch Penang
Formula = F(happiness @ work) = f(male European) + f(R&D, creative, always changing) + f(coorperative) + f(moderate $)
Output = okay

2nd stop; R&D Engineer @ Motorola Penang
Formula = F(happiness @ work) = f(male American) + f(R&D, creative, learning) + f(cooperative, respectful) + f(high $)
Output = Happy

3rd stop; HR Consultant @ Motorola Singapore
Formula = F(happiness @ work) = f(female chinese) + f(HR, administrative) + f(competitive) + f(high $)
Output = Miserable

4th stop; HR Senior Manager @ Mimos, M'sia
Formula = F(happiness @ work) = f(female Malay) + f(HR, administrative, strategic) + f(complacent) + f(high $)
Output = Miserable

5th stop; HR Consultant @ Consulting firm
Formula = F(happiness @ work) = f(male chinese) + f(HR, strategic) + f(competitive) + f(moderate $)
Output = unhappy

There you have it, the various findings at various stops so far. Using the following scale, I studied each X factor and determine whether or not they play a role as a determinant of my Y.
0= miserable (can't bear it)
1=unhappy (dragging my feet to work)
2=okay(not looking fwd to work, but don't drag my feet either)
3=happy (feel belong and add value)
4=Estatic! (looking fwd to work every day!)

1st X factor = Boss
1st stop --> (2)okay = f(male European)
2nd stop --> (3)happy = f(male American)
3rd stop --> (0)miserable = f(female Chinese)
4th stop --> (0)miserable = f(female Malay)
5th stop --> (1)unhappy = f(male Chinese)

Conclusion = x(boss) = gender does not play a role. Race seems to have an effect. I work well for non-Asian boss.

following the same deduction method, I reach the following conclusion
x(work nature)= I am happier in R&D than HR
x(environment/culture) = I am happier in cooperative environment than competitive or complacent
x(income)= money seem to have no impact to my fulfillment at work

Hence, in DOE terms, my finding can be concluded as below;

F(happiness @ work) = f(non Asian boss) + f(job which deals with things,not people) + f(cooperative culture)

There could be more X factors which I have not considered since I have not experienced them (i.e having no boss at all), but I'll improvise my formula as I go. But as of today, the above is good enough determinant should I decide to apply or accept a new job offer...or maybe try an entirely new experiment to have a career break!

What Makes You Happy?

I'm reading this book by Marcus Buckingham titled 'Find Your Strongest Life- what most successful and happiest women do differently'. Interesting finding from the book, women in this age are far more less happy than women 40 years ago, despite of having "it all' - a good education, career, financial stability, spouse, children, etc. Sadly enough I have to agree with this stat. I too feel less fulfilled, though it seems I have the almost perfect life to some. I mostly blame it on my high-demanding career. But then I met a few friends who are housewives, completely dedicated to the upbringing of their family...I don't see a contented, fulfilled faces either. What is wrong with this picture?

I read this article on oprah.com, and I think this Dr. have asked quite good questions. A true friend or motivator, doesn't necessarily have the right answer, but they know how to ask. For most of the time, we have the answer lies in ourselves.

Read on...

What Would It Take to Make You Happy?

By: M.Chestnut, O, The Orah Magazine | March 03 2010

I'm great at articulating precisely what would make me miserable—a job as a sewage engineer, bungee jumping, a butt so big it needs its own zip code—but I'm not as glib on the subject of what would cause my heart to sing.

The last time the issue came up, I went running to my bookshelf and discovered that Phillip C. McGraw, Ph.D., the O magazine columnist, had dealt with the happiness thing in his book Life Strategies. "Most people do not know how to describe what they want, because they don't have a clue what it really is," Dr. Phil writes. "How often, for example, have you heard someone else say, 'All I really want in this life is to be happy'? It sounds like a commonsense answer, but as a life goal, it is destined for failure."

I called Dr. Phil to learn more. "How do you figure out specifically what you want in life?" I asked.

"You must ask yourself a series of four questions," he told me. They are: What do I want? What must I do to have it? How would I feel when I have it? So, what I really want is to feel ___ (fill in the blank)?

Once you've answered these questions, you circle back for round two (and maybe three and four) of the same questions. And—this is important—you can't give the same answer twice. The idea, Dr. Phil said, is to keep digging deeper, for root answers. "Most people start out with something pretty superficial," he said, "like wanting a new job, a new car, or a new husband—something external to themselves. But what they really want is pride in themselves, for example."

If you play this game alone, writing down your answers is helpful; if you do it with a friend, choose someone you trust. And remember: This is a "What do you want?" exercise that should be followed by the drawing up of a "How do you get it?" real-life action plan.

To demonstrate how the exercise works, Dr. Phil sat down with a volunteer in his Dallas office and talked her through it. Jackie (not her real name) is 31. Notice how her happiness goal shifts as they talk.

Phil McGraw: Jackie, when you think about creating a plan for your life, I want you to first answer a simple question: What do you want?

Jackie: I want to be financially successful.

PM: And what do you have to do to become financially successful?

J: I have no clue where to start.

PM: That's okay—start with the things you can do to move toward that goal.

J: I'd have to start by having a great job.

PM: So if you had a great job and became financially successful, how would you feel?

J: As if I'd accomplished something.

PM: So what you really want is a sense of accomplishment? What would it take for you to feel that?

J: Well, it'd have to be difficult—I mean, nothing that you want in life is really easy.

PM: So you'd have to face some challenges?

J: Right.

PM: And if you had faced those challenges and had accomplished a few goals, how would you feel then?

J: I couldn't just stop there. I'd think, There's got to be something beyond this. There's always more.

PM: So what you really want is to feel as if you're on the move in your life. What will you have to do to feel that?

J: I'd have to stop denying that I'm stuck.

PM: How are you going to feel when there's no more denial in your life?

J: Fulfilled. And proud of myself.

PM: And how will you feel when you can honestly say, "I am really proud of myself because I've got a step-by-step plan—no more denial"?

J: On top of the world.

PM: And what exactly does that mean?

J: Free.

PM: So what you really want is to be free—free of a sense of being bogged down, free of a sense of living in denial.

J: Yes.

PM: Jackie, you've said, "I want to be proud. I want to be fulfilled. I want to be free." And you know yourself better than anybody else does. What will you have to do so that you can feel that way?

J: I'll have to be disciplined. And I must be open to the challenge of change.

PM: Very good. If you started living your life in a disciplined way, instead of in a "if it feels good, do it" sort of way, and if you opened yourself up to challenge instead of running from it, how would you feel?

J: I'd feel like I have a place in the world—and I won't always be wishing that I were somebody else.

PM: So what you really want is to accept yourself for who you are and feel like you belong somewhere in this world?

J: Yes.

PM: What a great goal that is!

Do you LOVE your job?

I was at home yesterday, down with flu, cough & headache. Dr. gave me some medicine that supposedly to knock me down hence she gave me the day off and asked me to rest. I have a few to do list to catch up, but decided to follow Dr's order to really rest.

While lying down on the sofa, my sweet Alyssa came and asked "how come you are not at work, mummy?". "I'm sick, honey". Silence. Then she asked "Do you LOVE your job?". I took a while to answer. "I like it, but I don't LOVE it". Quickly I asked her the same question, trying to avoid her follow-up 'why?' question. Such a relief to hear her say " I LIKE & LOVE my school". Which is obvious, she looks forward to go to school, started immediately on her homework once she reached home, and shared her daily routine with us voluntarily.

Unfortunately for me; the story is opposite. I DON'T look forward to work, I procastinate every job that I have, and I stop sharing about the happenings at work.

I have been to a few job interviews recently, looking yet for another escape. But in all the interviews, I hear the same theme' bigger responsibility, more time away from family, more stress, more tired...though they offer more MONEY. I have been down that route before, when money was not a problem but time & energy was. I knew what it's like, I know how it feels. Question is should I maintain the same route to complete my journey? Soon, I will be 36. Another 4 years before I hit 40. The Prophet Muhammed SAW once said "Sesiapa yang berusia 40 tahun, amalan kebajikannya belum mengatasi amalan kejahatannya, maka bersedialah ia ke neraka Allah." (Riwayat Tabrani). Scary thought...

a short poem I got from another blogger, which serve me right;

engkau beriya mahu syurga..
tapi kau cinta dunia..
kau sayang pada agama..
tapi kau tidak mengangkatnya..
setakat fardhu yang kau laksana..
kau dah rasa sempurna..
kemudian engkau boleh kata..
yang haram itu tak apa..
sikit saja.
sampai kapan mahu di takuk lama?


I seriously don't know what's stopping me from leaving this kind of 'world' (the one I am used to) to a new world. I must confront and conquer my fear, and have greater faith. I hope that one day I would be able to answer just as confident as my sweet girl; "I LOVE my job!".

I am lost like Dorothy

Salam...
it's been a while, though that's actually is an underestimation. A lot of happenings lately, things planned turned out sour, unexpected good things happened..as Yuna puts it in her song "people come and people go, and people gonna come some more".

It's Tiger Year now accroding to the Chinese Calender...which is MY year. The Chinese believe that for those born in this year, will strike luck. I haven't won any lottery yet, so that hypothesis is yet to be proven (but how to win if I never buy a ticket?)

Have lots to say, share..my thoughts, my feelings..but dunno actually where to start. Like the advice to Dorothy from Kansas "It's always wise to start at the beginning". And I shall just do that...

I am still climbing...have yet to reach "THERE". Where is "THERE", what is "THERE"?..Only God knows. But I can tell I am not 'getting warmer' to THERE...just 'getting colder'. Which means (for those not familiar with 'get warm/cold' seeking game) I am far away from it.

So for a start, let me just pen down my feeling through this beautiful song.
The Climb lyrics
Songwriters: Alexander, J; Mabe, J;
I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

Home Sweet Home

Man! Just realized I have abandoned this blog for quite some time. Okay, that's a lie. I didn't JUST realize, I have felt something is missing inside me for so long. I miss my soul, haven't visited her for some time...too preoccupied with so many dunya things. Been drifted like a dead wood for so long. Need to reset.

We have made it....home, that is. Myself and hubby are now settled in our new jobs (at the same company - for better & worse). Kids are attending new schools and loving it. All in all, Alhamdulillah...I have yet to feel any regret leaving Singapore. My last entry, i recorded my anxiety, not sure if the decision was right. Though I have yet to find the conviction to say "yes this is the RIGHT decision", at least I know it's NOT the wrong decision.

Before I came home, my mind was filled with lots of paranoia thoughts, thanks to the massive media coverage, friends' experiences, rumors and my own assumptions. Below I listed some of the major ones...

a) Expectation 1: "I'd be living in great paranoia, given high crime rate in KL"
Sure, Malaysia can't put 'low crime rate' as our Visit Malaysia Year winning point, but I think if you apply some street wise common sense (i.e dont' flash ur jewelleries, don't lenggang2 with your LV, Gucci, (original or otherwise) loosely in your hand next to an 0pen street filled with bikers), and went out of your home with a proper doa...then insyaAllah, you won't contribute to the statistic. It helps that we managed to find a place in a gated community, minimize our outings to absolute minimums and we don't buy newspapers (that's where the spotlight on crimes are, hence you tend to focus on them..hence invite them).

b) Expectation 2: "The bad traffic jam....will kill me softly"
Even though our place isn't exactly in the same postcode area as our workplace, we spent about 30 to 40 min to work and 20 min from work. Yeah, we encountered some sluggishness along the way, but I used to the time to chat with hubby or sing out loud (since reading in car makes me nauseous) to politely ignore his grumble of the rude drivers cutting in and out traffic. Of course we have NEVER been to the KL City center itself...purposely avoiding that area since we know it'll rob our sanity away. Since we can get ALL the stuffs we NEED including my tudung ekin & tudung Siti) in nearby area, why invite the stress?


b) Expectation 2: "Amirul & Alyssa will hate his school and have a bad time adjusting back to Msia educaton System"
Alhamdulillah we managed to find a private school which serves our needs within the vicinity. He rates his school 8/10 (slightly over-rated IMHO). But hey, as long as he is happy, then I am happy. Alyssa is attending a preschool, two doors away from home. She rates her school 5/10..barely passing. But since she only spend mornings there, I think she can last til end of the year. She started to converse in Malay now...I am so thrilled. Though she still has her witty comebacks every now and then (yesterday when I asked her to eat her chicken, she says "chicken is SO YESTERDAY, mummy" in her Hanna Montana accent). I do want her to master Malay first, then English...but I don't want to loose her quirky comebacks which are the highlights of my day.

c) Expectation 3: "I'd be suffocated living in close proximity with my family and in-laws"
I stand corrected...not that bad at all (maybe it's because we don't see each other that often...only once a months!). And there's a big plus....now that we don't spend our long w'ends 'balik kampung' since we meet often ('often' according to my definition), then I can plan our vacation! man..if only you knew the places we plan on going!

d) Expectation 4: "I will not be able to fit into the new work culture - government mentality"
No comment. I'd have to write a WHOLE other entry for that piece alone. All I can say is, I've added jumping up and down vigorously as a routine to end my day. why? 2 reasons: 1) To release this build up emotion I have collected since morning 2) To shake it off in case stupidity and mediocrity are contagious.

THE VERDICT : Okaylah...Not So bad lah. Malaysia Boleh!