Yesterday was one of those days that made me feel like I want to run to the highest peak and scream from the top of my lung. I was overwhelmed. Suddenly it was just too much to handle, and yet I didn't accomplished much. I felt like a complete failure.
Had a rough day at work, to the point that I felt hopeless. Went home through usual bad KL traffic in the rain. While stuck in the stupid traffic , I felt like I was in Natelie Imbruglia's music video Torn, ...
Nothing's fine, I'm torn! I'm all out of faith...this is how I fell...I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor....there's just so many things that I can touch, I'm torn!
Got home, emotionally, physically drained. Somehow today the cheery faces of my kids welcoming at the gate didn't help much. Felt really bad for the kids, going home in a zombie mode like this. But I couldn't fake it anymore, couldn't put on a show anymore.
Then Amirul, my eldest was the last straw that broke it all. He happily announced he didn't turn in his homework because he forgot. I knew he is just ten, and he has always been a great boy but I was so upset that he made feel that I am the only one TRYING the be the best, while everybody else in my world, just play along and do whatever they like.
I broke down, cried and wailed. Though knowing the crying won't help solving anything, but it did me good..it kinda lick my wound.
Hubby went to talk to Amirul while I was in the shower. When I was done, Amirul came to me, with puffed, red eyes. He hugged me and said "I'm sorry, Ummi". I didn't rub it in cause there's simply no reason to. He has been a great boy, without any effort from my side. The one who claimed motherhood just from carrying him in my tummy for 9 months, but spent most of her time at work, trying to fix other problems which is not hers to begin with...and then come home drained, everyday expecting nothing but the best from him. Who the hell do I think I am? What right do I have to demand such perfection when I wasn't even there to guide him?!
I am so torn. On one hand I feel I have tried my best to be the best in all roles, and if only everybody else on this planet would put in the same effort, then maybe it'll be less problematic. But on the other, who ASKED me to be ALL THAT? DO I even know why I was put here on earth? Why so kay-poh and assume that I am the one?
If only I get a dollar everytime I hear people say this to me "You are too hard on yourself..."
Had a rough day at work, to the point that I felt hopeless. Went home through usual bad KL traffic in the rain. While stuck in the stupid traffic , I felt like I was in Natelie Imbruglia's music video Torn, ...
Nothing's fine, I'm torn! I'm all out of faith...this is how I fell...I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor....there's just so many things that I can touch, I'm torn!
Got home, emotionally, physically drained. Somehow today the cheery faces of my kids welcoming at the gate didn't help much. Felt really bad for the kids, going home in a zombie mode like this. But I couldn't fake it anymore, couldn't put on a show anymore.
Then Amirul, my eldest was the last straw that broke it all. He happily announced he didn't turn in his homework because he forgot. I knew he is just ten, and he has always been a great boy but I was so upset that he made feel that I am the only one TRYING the be the best, while everybody else in my world, just play along and do whatever they like.
I broke down, cried and wailed. Though knowing the crying won't help solving anything, but it did me good..it kinda lick my wound.
Hubby went to talk to Amirul while I was in the shower. When I was done, Amirul came to me, with puffed, red eyes. He hugged me and said "I'm sorry, Ummi". I didn't rub it in cause there's simply no reason to. He has been a great boy, without any effort from my side. The one who claimed motherhood just from carrying him in my tummy for 9 months, but spent most of her time at work, trying to fix other problems which is not hers to begin with...and then come home drained, everyday expecting nothing but the best from him. Who the hell do I think I am? What right do I have to demand such perfection when I wasn't even there to guide him?!
I am so torn. On one hand I feel I have tried my best to be the best in all roles, and if only everybody else on this planet would put in the same effort, then maybe it'll be less problematic. But on the other, who ASKED me to be ALL THAT? DO I even know why I was put here on earth? Why so kay-poh and assume that I am the one?
If only I get a dollar everytime I hear people say this to me "You are too hard on yourself..."
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