Soon it'll be almost 2 years I have a been a stay-at-home mom. By choice, not by force. Despite the ups and more downs, I still feel it's the BEST decision I've ever met. I'd recommend for all moms to try it, but not without being mentally prepared for THE WORST.
May Allah forgive me, for I used to see my mom as fragile (mentally), not ambitious and schizophrenic at times. Little that I know, she got all that from raising 5 kids. And now, not even 2 years raising my own 3 kids, I am already seeing myself being paranoid, edgy and melancholy. Allah sure has funny ways of teaching us lessons. Those reading this, if you're a working mom I forgive you for rolling your eyes reading this entry. Those stay=at=home moms, surely sighed a relief knowing that what you felt or are feeling is NORMAL.
Come on...How bad can it be to be sitting at home, just looking after a few kids, doing a little house chores, FBing at will...surely you get to watch the daily soaps, right? I might be from another planet but waking up every morning-getting the kids ready for school-feed them breakfast-start the laundry-tidy up the house-fix lunch-fetch kids from school-play with kids-fix tea break-fold laundry-clean up kitchen- fix dinner-cleaning up-bedtime stories-sleep. REPEAT. For the rest of the week. For the rest of the month....year....life. This routine kills me a little everyday. Not to sound ungrateful (Nauzubillah) but I crave for some sense of achievement. I missed it. I don't need a pat in the back, or praises from anyone ( I wasn't expecting any when I said YES to a man), but having that sense of pride of completing a project or reaching a milestone, somehow help to boost my self esteem. Something you don't get when you choose to stay at home.
Back then when I was an income earner, I used to snicker when i read the melancholic updates of friends who were stay-at-home moms. They sounded so sad, licking their own wound in self pittiness. Arrogantly I said to myself - that would NEVER be me! For as long as I can recall, I never knew how to feel sorry for myself. Almost everything I touched, turned to 'gold'. Whatever I aimed for, I got it one way or the other. I was fearless, focus and ferocious. I even scared my male colleagues (made one cried once). Boy! if only they could see me now...they'd wonder what kind of drugs I'm currently on.
No words can describe how worthless I feel. As nonsense as that may sound, you won't believe it until you try it. Try staying at home with at least 2 growing up kids, without any helper, no adult interaction (except for the virtual FB), for 2 weeks. And come back and tell me what I feel is unreal.
A dear friend reminded me..that this was a CHOICE made by ME. I know and I prefer NO other way. Not going back to full time employment ever again (unless of course hubby were to ditch me for a young bimbo hence I'd have no other means to pay the best lawyer to get me outta jail for pouring acid on his wee-wee). And I know for certain that this is indeed the role intended FOR me. This is why i was put on earth. No one is better than I can raise my kids well, insyaAllah.
I have the conviction and motivation to keep on going, all I need now is an escapism. A weekly 'me time' would be great. But in our culture, that is too much to ask for an 'orang rumah'. Or is it my own ego of stopping me from asking for a 'relief-of'duty' for a couple of hours a week from Mr.Hubby? I have long stopped giving hoots about what people say (i.e in-laws), so what's stopping me from asking him? Need I wait till the day I start licking shoes or racing lizards? Should I wait for him to offer? I think that day of Lizard F1 would come faster than the offer. I married a guy, remember?
I gotta do something. Anything. To save my sanity. PRONTO.
