I'm a Professional Mum, and a grateful one too!

Anaqi is 5 months old now. Who is he? He's my 3rd bundle of joy, whom decided to join this world on 25th August 2010. That would explain my silence...well that's not entirely true, as Facebook is the main reason I have 'abandoned' this blog. It's a lot easier and faster way to 'vent', I must say.

And with Anaqi being 5 months old, I am an official professional mum, now that my 6 month probation period is over. And the real reality will hit soon enough when my Indonesian maid is gone in a couple of weeks time....sigh, so not looking fwd to the house chores.

My dearest friend, Jue (who is a full time mother since as long as I can remember) encouraged but not with little warning of how tough a stay-at-home life could be. Dang..was she right! I have been wanting to write about my new experience by categorizing them in UPs & DOWNs of a SAHM life, but there are mixed feelings in everything (only differs in degree), so I'll try a new way of summarizing the experience:

...of staying home (almost) 24-7
UPs: I love the fact that I don't need to rush getting ready for work. Though I still need to get up early to fix breakfast for hubby & the kids, the motivation makes a lot of difference. Thought I'd be a sinetron-cum-FB addicted couch potato, but I hardly turn on the TV or the PC during daytime. After sending off hubby & the kids at the gate (Thankful for hubby's volunteering to ferry them to school), my schedule/chores revolves around Anaqi's clock. The only time I get to catch up on emails/FB is when he's napping. I definitely don't miss KL traffic and its moronic Q jumpers. Or gossipy,bitchy or insecured colleagues. Ahhhh....baiti jannati...
DOWNs: I do get lonely, missing face to face (and at times in your face) adult conversation but I think I can live without that for years to come. Am grateful to FB, since I still feel somehow connected to the world, yet safe since I can just unplug anytime I feel I wanna be alone (which is ost of the time).
INTERESTING: I used to look down on moms who sit in the car waiting for their kids at the school gate. I used to tell myself "what a lousy way to kill time! Why not just get the kids to use the school bus and use that time for better things!". I pick up the kids from school everyday at 4pm, and really looking forward to it. The 20 min ride to home is rather pleasant, listening to my kids' (80% from my extrovert daughter, 20% from my introvert son) stories. This kinda of bonding, I have never experienced before and shall cherish it when I turn grey. We also get to perform maghrib together, Alhamdulillah. Which followed by a short tazkirah by me or hubby, reciting of Quran & doing revision together. Things I never had the time nor the energy doing when I had a career.

...of not earning a steady income
UPs: hmmmm.... this is a hard one. Okay, got it! I see money in a new perspective now. Having earned my own money since as long as I can remember (Been working as a babysitter since I was 6), and having tasted a monthly 5 figure income, you can imagine how big a change I must face now. Almost never needing to think twice about buying anything I WANT, now I have to think twice to buy even the things I NEED, and 10x of anything I WANT. I stop buying shoes unless absolutely necessary (i.e torn apart). Alhamdulillah, the experience made me more vigilant and feel much less arrogance.
DOWNs: In the first month it was tough for both my hubby and I. His jaw dropped when he paid for groceries, my ears hurt, and my heart wounded when he talks about how much money we spend on food & bills. But now he's getting the hang of it, and me too.
INTERESTING: The kids were on top of my worry list when I decided to stay home hence cutting more than 50% of our household income, but they seem to cope faster than us adults. They are okay with eating at McD or KFC or Pizza Hut only once a month (only 1 choice too). They are content with having just fish balls for dinner. They are also content with not going to the mall on monthly basis. Heck, they haven't got a single new toy or book since I quit last 7 months and I have not heard even a sigh when I politely declined their plea with 'sorry honey, ummi has no money' ! Praise to Allah swt for granting me with such wonderful kids.

...of not having a worldly title except for 'Mum'
UPs: Having to let go other titles except for wife,mother,daughter,sister to my family makes a big difference in my life. I no longer feel thin stretched, being pulled into so many directions at a time, no heavy burden on my shoulders anymore, no more using my hubby & kids as punching bag when things get crazy at the office, and best of all...NO GUILT! Peace & tranquility, words I only heard before but now am embracing them.
DOWNs: People do look down on me but I couldn't care less, except for when one of them is my own mother. It's hard for me to pin point to the exact reason of why this decision bothers her a great deal, and frankly I don't think I would like the answer. I would only pray that soon she will see the reason I am doing all these and appreciate and enjoy it as much as I do.
INTERESTING: Those who know me at work, would agree as to how fiercely competitive person I am. Once I was regarded as the lady with the tenacity of a bull dog (I took it as a compliment at the time). I do miss the sense of accomplishment (of getting a design or project done) but I don't feel like a complete failure either.

At this point in time, I can safely conclude that 24 hours in a day have never feel quite the same to me. Will this be a permanent thing of just a career break until Anaqi is big enough to go to a day care? Only Allah knows, but i will just try my very best and enjoy the ride while it lasts.

Unplugging the Zombies: fighting the Dajjal forerunners' weapons in my own home

I remember clearly those days when I used to mock whenever people suggest to 'doa' to solve a problem. How ignorant was I, for regarding doa as an excuse for not doing anything, for not trying hard enough, for not being independent and intelligent. Astaghfirullahalazeem...

But the real truth is, only Allah can change a heart. The heart is the sanctuary of Allah swt, the sacred place of the heart belongs to Allah and Him alone. Today, I had the reminder of this hard truth first hand.

It's end of 2010, meaning the kids are outta school. I can't recall being bored during my school holidays, even though dad hardly bring us to any vacation, nor did I have any highly attractive-time killing electronic gadgets kids these days have, no PC, no internet, heck we didn't even have phones and there were only 3 channels on tv. I kinda feel sorry for kids these days who are clueless as to what to do with their time, if all those fancy electronics (TV, DVD, PS, Wii, FB,Habbo,Mobilephone) are taken away from them. It's as if, their brain is mushed, can't think of anything, or come up with something to kill their boredom. They are zombies when unplugged.

It kinda creeps me up to watch how my kids spend endless hours infront of the TV or PC. If the radiation isn't enough to cause brain tumor (nauzubillah), I am pretty sure the inactivity/passive interaction will cause them something...either certain neurons of the brains are being killed slowly i.e creativity, critical thinking, analysis ability or their self-reliance i.e proactiveness, time management & responsibility will slowly diminishes. And when I connect the dots and think of whom are behind all these cleverly designed to be highly addictive gadgets, I shiver even more. What a clever way indeed to keep the ummah passive, lazy & blindly obedient to dunya.

I thought that the best way to deal with generation X & Z, is to just give it to them straight. I have shared rather openly to both of my kids (since my 3rd is only 3 mths old) about how shaytan works, how deceiving the Dajjal is and about the impending kiyamah. I also tried to teach my kids about the noble ways of our prophet SAW, of his adaab & manners. And since I have quit my full time job, I thought that it would be easy to catch my kids' hearts & minds, and keep them from becoming one of those zombies...oh! how naive was I to think I could overcome Dajjal's plan without any help & grace from Allah swt.

During school holidays, midnight is declared to be the unplugging or shut down time. That is when the kids are supposed to shutdown whatever gadgets they were devoting their lives to and get ready for beds. I have been very strict about this, and no amount of 'puhleeezzeee, ummi!' will thaw my icey determination. "Your eyes & brains need to rest. Shut down and go to bed. NOW." is the only answer they'll ever get from me. But tonight I lost my battle. As soon as the lights went off at midnight, I went to bed. But something woke me up at around 1.30am. I felt the urge to check up on my son. Sure enough he was infront of his laptop, playing the online game I hate the most; HABBO. Only Allah knows how enraged I was. I felt so betrayed. How stupid could he think I am. Am I not his mother which he needs to obey and respect? Wasn't the 10 hours during the day enough to indulge in the games? How hard is it to hold the urge and wait till morning when I allow them the time to play?

Reminding myself to keep cool and not to blew my head off, without a word or even looked at him I removed the laptop from him, switched off the light & closed the door behind me. I shivered in my bed, when I realized how alone, weak & fragile I am in this fight against Dajjal's weapons. If I was still working fulltime, I'd be blaming myself for not giving him enough attention & time. But I am home 24-7. He is constantly under my supervision, yet he dared to disobey me behind my back, right under my nose! Man, my ego was hurt. And I cried. I felt so helpless and scared. I thought I have done enough. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was smart. But Dajjal is far smarter. I felt like a failure.

At time like this, no amount of console or cheer-up words from my FB friends would do any good. I began to think off all sorts of punishment I wanted to give him the next morning, just to show him who is the boss in this house. But then it hit me, I can do whatever I want, but I can't control his heart. Maybe by grounding him for 2 weeks will hurt him the same as he hurt me, but hurting his feeling as a retaliation of what he's done would be sellfish & won't solve the problem in the long run. I must not look at the tree, but focus on the forest. I quietly pray for His help, for the hearts belong to Him and only He can inspire the heart to change for good.

It's 2:00am, and I felt the urge to go the the toilet. My toilet has a window which faces my son's room. Through this window (I didn't switch on the light) I saw that my son (whom I thought was sleeping after I took his laptop away half hour ago), got up and went to his bathroom. I caught him performing the wudu' and later went to his room and performed solat. Again I cried, alone in the dark but this time for a different reason. Allah was indeed listening and understood my situation clearly. He inspired my son and softened his heart to turn to Him. And Allah has also gave me the opportunity to 'watch' my son silently. I could feel that Allah is trying to teach me something. That is wasn't that bad after all. That if no one appreciates my sacrifice & effort to raise my kids, He does. And I feel that He was trying to tell me that turning to Him and Him alone could change a situation. And that what I did was right...asking for His help with great humility, and not complaining to fellow humans (as I often do on FB especially). And last but definitely not least; I should me more concern if my son doesn't please Allah swt, his creator and not too overly concern if he doesn't please me, his mother.

'Invoke your Lord with humility and in secret.' (Qur’an 7: 55)

The lesson that I learned today is to stop going to people for help or for intercession, and instead, began praying to Allah especially in the last third of the night. Now I know that whenever I am down or in need of any help, I would call to Allah and invoke Him for relief. Which reminds me of this hadith:

Abu al-‘Abbas ‘Abdullah bin ‘Abbas, radiyallahu anhuma, reported: One day I was behind the Prophet, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, and he said to me:

"O young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice] : Be mindful of Allah, and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you. If you (have need to) ask, ask of Allah; and if you seek help, seek help from Allah. Know that even if the Nation (or the whole community) were to gather together to benefit you with something, they would not benefit you with anything except that which Allah has already recorded for you, and that if they gather together to harm you with something, they would not be able to harm you with anything except that which Allah has already recorded against you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried."

[Al-Tirmidhi relates this and says: It is a good, genuine Hadith]

In a version other than that of al-Tirmidhi it reads:

"..Be mindful of Allah, you will find Him before you. Get to know Allah in prosperity and He will know you in adversity. Know that what has passed you by was not going to befall you; and that what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience, relief with affliction, and ease with hardship."

Wallahualam. Jazakallahukhayran for reading.

A Blessed Soul

Despite reading quite a number of unsettling views/rumours/opinions about Syeikh Hamza Yusuf, deserved or not, true or not Wallahu'Alam, I am still intrigued by this soul. Listening to his khutbah, lectures, reminders somehow managed to hit a certain button in my soul.

I stumbled upon this unofficial website dedicated to him by a fan http://sheikhhamza.com and learned about his spiritual journey. In his early years as a muslim, he often had a dream about Murabbit Al-Hajj and he travelled the foreign land to seek him for guidance. He managed to find this blessed soul and this is the story of his encounter:

After two grueling days, we arrived in a beautiful town known as Geru, which at the time had no technology, and the buildings there were all a lovely adobe. Hundreds of students studied at seven madrassas, called mahdharain Geru. At night, with the exception of a few flashlights, candles, and kerosene lamps, all was dark so the Sahara night sky could be seen in all its stellar glory. The entire town was filled with the soothing sounds of the recitation of Qur’an and other texts.

We stayed with Shaykh Khatri, the brother of Murabit al-Hajj’s wife, Maryam, and a cousin of Murabit al-Hajj. While in Geru, I came to know a great saint and scholar, Sidi Minnu, who was already an old man at the time. He memorized all of the Hisn al-Hasin of Imam al-Jazari and recited it every day. His other time was spent in praying for the entire Ummah. Once, we were sitting on the sand and he picked some up with his hand and said to me, “Never be far away from the earth, for this is our mother.” He then said something that struck me to the core: “I have never regretted anything in my entire life, nor have I ever wished for anything that I did not or could not have, but right now I wish that I was a young man so that I could accompany you on this great journey of yours to seek knowledge for the sake of God.”

After a few days, we set out for Kamur, which we had passed on our way to Geru, and then took camels and set out for Murabit al-Hajj; by nightfall we arrived in Galaga, a valley with a large lake that rises and lowers with the rainfall and the seasons. After breakfast the next morning, we set out for the upper region some miles from where Murabit al-Hajj’s clan was encamped.

As we came into Tuwamirat, I was completely overwhelmed by its ethereal quality. It was the quintessential place that time forgot. The entire scene reminded me of something out of the Old Testament. Many of the people had never seen a white person before and the younger people had only heard about the French occupation, but never seen French people or other foreigners for that matter. I entered the tent of Murabit al-Hajj.

My eyes fell upon the most noble and majestic person I have ever seen in my life. He called me over, put his hand on my shoulder, welcomed me warmly, and then asked me, “Is it like the dream?” I burst into a flood of tears. I had indeed experienced a dream with him that was very similar to our actual meeting.[32]

Murabit al-Hajj

It was 1985, and the most life-changing part of Shaykh Hamza’s life would occur over the next 3 years. He sat at the school of Murabit al-Hajj and studied not only the sacred sciences, but also the traditional bedu way of life.

“Murabit al-Hajj’s birth name is Sidi Muhammad ould Fahfu al-Massumi, and he was nicknamed Hajj Umar by his mother after the great scholar and warrior, “Umar Tal of Senegal”.

During the blessed time that I was fortunate to have lived with him in his own tent, I observed his daily routine: He would usually awake at about 2:30 or 3:00 in the morning and begin the Tahajjud or night prayers. He would often recite for a few hours, and I heard him repeat verses over and over again and weep. Just before dawn, he would sit outside his tent and recite Qur’an, and then when the first light of dawn was discernible, he would walk to the open-air mosque and call the adhan. He would then pray his nafilah and wait for a short period and then call the iqamah. During that time, I never saw anyone else lead the prayer, and he would almost always recite from the last 60^th of the Qur’an as is the Sunnah for a congressional Imam to do so according to Imam Malik.

After the sun rose and reached the level of a spear above the horizon, he would pray the sunrise rak’ahs and then return to his tent where he would have some milk brought fresh from a cow. He would then teach until about 11:00 in the morning and nap for a short while. After that, students would start coming again, and he would continue to teach until about 1:00pm at which time he would measure his shadow for the time of the midday prayer. He would then call the adhan at the time his shadow reached an arm’s length past the post meridian time as is the Maliki position on the midday prayer, if performed in congregation, to allow for others to come from their work after the heat dissipates. He would always pray four rakahs before and after the midday prayer and then return to his tent where he would teach until afternoon. He would usually have a small amount of rice and yogurt drink that is common in West Africa. Then, he would measure his shadow for the afternoon prayer, and when he ascertained its time, he would proceed to the mosque and call the adhan.

After Asr, Murabit al-Hajj would return to his tent and usually resume teaching and sometimes listen to students recite their Qur’an lessons from memory and he would correct their mistakes. During any lulls in his teaching, anyone in his presence could hear him say with almost every breath, “La ilaha illa Allah,” or he would recite Qur’an. At sunset, he would go and call the adhan, pray Maghrib, and then sit in the mihrab and recite his wird until the time of the night prayer. He would call the adhan, lead the pray and return to his tent. He would usually have some milk and a little couscous and then listen to students recite Qur’an or read Qur’an by himself. At around 9:00 pm he would admonish himself with lines of poetry from Imam Shafi’s Diwan and other well-known poets. He would often remember death with certain lines that he repeated over and over again, especially the following that I heard from him many times:

O my Lord, when that which there is repelling alights upon me,

And I find myself leaving this adobe

And become Your guest in a dark and lonely place,

Then make the host’s meal for his guest the removal of my wrongs.

A guest is always honored at the hands of a generous host,

And You are the Generous, the Creator, the Originiator.

Surely kings, as a way of displaying their magnanimity

Free their servants who have grown old in their service.

And I have grown old in Your service,

So free my soul from the Fire

He often repeats these lines for what seems like an eternity, his voice penetrating the hearts of all those within earshot. He once admonished me with lines of poetry, one after another, until I wanted the earth to swallow me. He said to me, “And what is man other than a comet that flashes brilliant light for a moment only to be reduced to ashes.”

He told me several times, “Hamza, this world is an ocean, and those who drown in it are untold numbers. Don’t drown.”

I have never seen anyone like him before him or after him, and I don’t think that I ever will. May Allah reward him for his service to this din and his love and concern for the Muslims. He was never known to speak ill of anyone. Once when a student was studying Khalil with him and asked what a certain word meant in the text, he explained to him that it was a slow and clumsy horse. The student then said, “like so-and-so’s horse?” At this Murabit al-Hajj suddenly became upset and said, “I don’t spend much time with people because they backbite, so if you want to study with me, you must never speak ill of anyone in my presence.” It is not well known by Muslims that to speak ill of someone’s animals falls under the ruling of backbiting.

Shaykh Murabit al-Hajj is a master of the sciences of Islam, but perhaps more wondrous than that, he has mastered his own soul. His discipline is almost angelic, and his presence is so majestic and ethereal that the one in it experiences a palpable stillness in the soul. As the Arabs says, “the one who hears is not as the one who has seen.” I was told by many people from his family that had I seen him in his youth, I would have been even more astonished at his devotional practices.

He is recognized in Mauritania as being one of the last great scholars, and his fatwa is highly respected among the people of West Africa who know of him, and they are many.”

- For those critics of Syeikh Hamza, I guess we can only qualify to criticize him IF, and ONLY IF we have had similar courage to leave the comfort our our homes, loved ones and wordly possession to seek the real meaning of ISLAM in the name of Allah swt. If we haven't, then I think we should just shut-up and learn a thing or two about his experience.

The temporary world has lost a gem

I 'stumbled' upon this obituary (for the lack of a better word, stumble was used though I do not really believe in coincidence. I believe in maktub, qada' & qadar) . I am ashamed to call myself an avid reader but yet to have the honor to read this great mind's work.

I plan to order his books from Amazon, the only place I can get his work from and thanks to my dear friend KJ, I can have save hundreds on the shipping since she'll be spending her summer holiday here in Malaysia. When la this amazon can offer good shipping to this side of the world!

For the reason of my ignorance of this great man's work (I shall save a space in this blog to write about his books once I manage to get hold of one), I will just cut and paste the obituary by another fellow blogger.

From http://seekersguidance.org

Orbituary for Gai Eaton - Remembering the UK’s eloquent voice for Islam - Hisham Hellyer - The National

March 10th, 2010

Remembering the UK’s eloquent voice for Islam - The National Newspaper

In retrospect, it was a little bit peculiar to call his house after his passing. I was hoping to give my condolences to his family – instead, I got a chance to hear his voice one last time. On his answering machine, he still came through as the distinguished gentleman I had always known him to be. With the passing of Charles Le Gai Eaton, also known as Hassan Abdul-Hakeem, the last of a particular generation of remarkable western Muslims left this world – and certainly, he was one of the more influential of them, as attested by the numerous condolence messages from across the spectrum of British society and Anglophones everywhere.

Raised as an agnostic, Eaton received his education at Charterhouse (a renowned school in England), before going to study at Cambridge University. After working for some time as a teacher and journalist in Jamaica and Egypt, he joined the British diplomatic service in 1949. In 1951, he became Muslim, which irrevocably changed his world view, enabling him to become one of the pre-eminent writers on Islam for a British audience in the contemporary age. He was deeply engaged with the challenges facing Britain’s Muslims, and later served them at the Islamic Cultural Centre at Regent’s Park in London with distinction for many years.

Many people in the UK have become Muslims since 1951 – but Eaton made a particular contribution to all English-speaking communities. As a young university student researching Islamic thought, I looked hard for contemporary authors in that area of study, even if they were not religious authorities themselves. Much of what was available at the time, particularly in the English language, was infused with political undertones, and aimed at an activist lifestyle. While the call to action through faith isn’t wrongheaded as such, it has its limitations. Eaton’s works, such as King and the Castle and Islam and the Destiny of Man, were completely different, aiming at reorientating the reader towards a God-centred life, rather than a life aimed at success in this world.

He was empowered by his deep attachment to living a faithful life in the contemporary world, combined with a profound suspicion of what modernity really had to offer in the advancement of the human being. He wrote as a Muslim, but those who read his works were from all faith backgrounds and none. He insisted that he was not a classically trained authority of the Islamic sciences, but he had a unique way with the English language that few writers on Islam could match. His admirers did not always share his philosophical perspectives, but few could deny his profound eloquence and high culture.

As a young student, I met Eaton at an academic conference, and took the opportunity to tell him how impressed and touched I had been by his books. He was so utterly humble – although I was much younger than him, he seemed incredibly embarrassed when I made the very suggestion that his works were of any worth. Recognising him as one of the last great spiritual writers of his generation, and a reminder of high culture, I kept in touch with him, although it was certainly a one-sided relationship. When I last visited him in his home in Surrey with a friend, he was the epitome of a gentleman – he should never have exerted himself, considering his advanced years, but he nevertheless treated us with the highest hospitality.

My companion was incredibly grateful just for the opportunity to encounter him in the flesh – and that was entirely appropriate. For all those who read him, he was a deeply spiritual author who reminded us how the English idiom ought to be used when speaking of the highest spiritual matters. He was keen to jog our memory as to the importance of correct language, refusing to be swept away by current trends to overuse words like “tolerance” and “terrorism”, both of which he felt were utterly abused and bereft of their proper meaning. In the aftermath of the July 7 bombings, he warned many against curtailing civil liberties in response, and cared little for the fact it was an unpopular position to take.

In his last days, I received a message from a friend who had tended to him in his old age. At that time, Eaton was stable, but appeared as though he was wholly resigned to what he knew was inevitable for every soul. He saw his last days not in despair, but in hope for the mercy of God, displaying for his family and friends an elegant resignation. The Prophet of Islam said: “Death is the only preacher you need” – and Eaton himself was a preacher in the way he lived and the way he died.

His death, as his life, was fortuitous. He died on a Friday, which is noted as a special day in Islam – but he also died on the birthday of the Prophet. Eaton was particularly drawn to the Sufi experience within Islam, and within that experience, the celebration of the birth of the Prophet, as the “mercy to the worlds”, is especially important. That he passed away on that day is not something he would regard as coincidence – for indeed, he loved the Prophet with his heart and soul.

The school Eaton attended in Surrey had a Latin motto: Deo Dante Dedi – “God having given [to me], I gave”. His life is a testament to that adage – he felt so grateful to God, he made it incumbent upon himself to give to others in the books he wrote and the service he provided. With his passing, it truly is an end of an era for Britain.

Charles Le Gai Hassan Abdul-Hakeem Eaton was born in Lausanne, Switzerland in 1921. He passed away in London, England on February 26, 2010.

HA Hellyer is the author of “Muslims of Europe”, a Fellow of the University of Warwick and the director of the Visionary Consultants Group

Shitty Day

Yesterday was one of those days that made me feel like I want to run to the highest peak and scream from the top of my lung. I was overwhelmed. Suddenly it was just too much to handle, and yet I didn't accomplished much. I felt like a complete failure.

Had a rough day at work, to the point that I felt hopeless. Went home through usual bad KL traffic in the rain. While stuck in the stupid traffic , I felt like I was in Natelie Imbruglia's music video Torn, ...

Nothing's fine, I'm torn! I'm all out of faith...this is how I fell...I'm cold and I am shamed, lying naked on the floor....there's just so many things that I can touch, I'm torn!

Got home, emotionally, physically drained. Somehow today the cheery faces of my kids welcoming at the gate didn't help much. Felt really bad for the kids, going home in a zombie mode like this. But I couldn't fake it anymore, couldn't put on a show anymore.

Then Amirul, my eldest was the last straw that broke it all. He happily announced he didn't turn in his homework because he forgot. I knew he is just ten, and he has always been a great boy but I was so upset that he made feel that I am the only one TRYING the be the best, while everybody else in my world, just play along and do whatever they like.

I broke down, cried and wailed. Though knowing the crying won't help solving anything, but it did me good..it kinda lick my wound.

Hubby went to talk to Amirul while I was in the shower. When I was done, Amirul came to me, with puffed, red eyes. He hugged me and said "I'm sorry, Ummi". I didn't rub it in cause there's simply no reason to. He has been a great boy, without any effort from my side. The one who claimed motherhood just from carrying him in my tummy for 9 months, but spent most of her time at work, trying to fix other problems which is not hers to begin with...and then come home drained, everyday expecting nothing but the best from him. Who the hell do I think I am? What right do I have to demand such perfection when I wasn't even there to guide him?!

I am so torn. On one hand I feel I have tried my best to be the best in all roles, and if only everybody else on this planet would put in the same effort, then maybe it'll be less problematic. But on the other, who ASKED me to be ALL THAT? DO I even know why I was put here on earth? Why so kay-poh and assume that I am the one?

If only I get a dollar everytime I hear people say this to me "You are too hard on yourself..."

Thank you Din, for the laughter

Part of my work-day routine since 2009 was to listen to 'Riuh Pagi Era with Aznil & Din Beramboi'. These 2 never fail to crack me up and somehow managed to make my morning traffic woes slightly bearable. Sometimes the jokes were a bit lame, but mostly there were rather original and genius. He was also one of the judges for Raja Lawak, a reality show which was the only show my entire family would watch together; from my parents, my brothers, to my maid & my kids. Else, it's Nickelodeon for the kids, RTM for my parents, Heroes for hubby and me and AXN for the brothers.

But today Din Beramboi have left us. After battling for his life for a few days, he succumbed and went flatline at 12.30am this morning. I am not too sure yet of the actual cause of death, some news reported it was leptospirosis, some say it was dengue.

Went to wiki to see what leptospirosis is and I found this...
"Leptospirosis is transmitted by the urine of an infected animal and is contagious as long as it is still moist. Although rats, mice and voles are important primary hosts, a wide range of other mammals including dogs, deer, rabbits, hedgehogs, cows, sheep, raccoons, possums, skunks, and certain marine mammals are able to carry and transmit the disease as secondary hosts. Dogs may lick the urine of an infected animal off the grass or soil, or drink from an infected puddle. There have been reports of "house dogs" contracting leptospirosis apparently from licking the urine of infected mice that entered the house.
Humans become infected through contact with water, food, or soil containing urine from these infected animals. This may happen by swallowing contaminated food or water, or through skin contact. The disease is not known to be spread from person to person and cases of bacterial dissemination in convalescence are extremely rare in humans.
The infection is often wrongly diagnosed due to the wide range of symptoms. This leads to a lower registered number of cases than actually exist. Symptoms of leptospirosis include high fever, severe headache, chills, muscle aches, and vomiting, and may include jaundice, red eyes, abdominal pain, diarrhea, and rash. The symptoms in humans appear after a 4–14 day incubation period."

I guess whatever the cause of death to Din's was, the point is life is too precious to be spent on trivial things. It is also too precious to be spent on making money and climbing up corporate ladder. Couldn't help but wonder, what if I was in Din's place? The thought alone send tremor throughout my body. The list of "I should've...." is so long, started with "I should've spent more quality time with my lovely kids".

To Din's family & close friends, your loss is definitely ours too. But Din's story reminds us of the inevitable; that we will all leave this temporary world eventually. The question is are we prepared to leave this world (meaning have we done enough for our loved ones) and are we prepared for the afterworld? I pray for myself and all of us will, insyaAllah.

My D.O.E

When I decided to ditch my over a decade career in engineering and ventured into Human Resources, I didn't exactly know what I want to ended up as. It was like playing back my 1980's memory of being asked that lame question of "What do you want to become when you grow up?" Ironically enough, I remember being confident with my answer...it was either Lawyer or Teacher. I really am envious with that confident 8 year old...what have happened to her since then? Why am I no longer have that humongous confidence to announce to the world of what I want to 'grow' up into?!

Through out my journey on seeking that 'ideal' job, I begin to realize that I am actually going through a huge experiment. Sadly though, I am the lab rat. I thought that the best way to derive a conclusion of this experiment is to use DoE which I have learned and applied during my tenure as a design engineer for Motorola. Design of Experiment (DoE) is a structured, organized method that is used to determine the relationship between the different factors (Xs) affecting a process and the output of that process (Y). This method was first developed in the 1920s and 1930, by Sir Ronald A. Fisher, the renowned mathematician and geneticist. While I can not guarantee the accuracy of the formula I have came up with, but it sure does eliminate the 'white noise'.

Let's say, the output (Y) that I seek for is 'happiness @ work'. From my experience of 13 years earning an income as a living, my Xs are:

F(happiness @ work) = f(boss; gender & race) + f(work nature) + f(environment/culture) + f (income)

1st stop; R&D Engineer @ Robert Bosch Penang
Formula = F(happiness @ work) = f(male European) + f(R&D, creative, always changing) + f(coorperative) + f(moderate $)
Output = okay

2nd stop; R&D Engineer @ Motorola Penang
Formula = F(happiness @ work) = f(male American) + f(R&D, creative, learning) + f(cooperative, respectful) + f(high $)
Output = Happy

3rd stop; HR Consultant @ Motorola Singapore
Formula = F(happiness @ work) = f(female chinese) + f(HR, administrative) + f(competitive) + f(high $)
Output = Miserable

4th stop; HR Senior Manager @ Mimos, M'sia
Formula = F(happiness @ work) = f(female Malay) + f(HR, administrative, strategic) + f(complacent) + f(high $)
Output = Miserable

5th stop; HR Consultant @ Consulting firm
Formula = F(happiness @ work) = f(male chinese) + f(HR, strategic) + f(competitive) + f(moderate $)
Output = unhappy

There you have it, the various findings at various stops so far. Using the following scale, I studied each X factor and determine whether or not they play a role as a determinant of my Y.
0= miserable (can't bear it)
1=unhappy (dragging my feet to work)
2=okay(not looking fwd to work, but don't drag my feet either)
3=happy (feel belong and add value)
4=Estatic! (looking fwd to work every day!)

1st X factor = Boss
1st stop --> (2)okay = f(male European)
2nd stop --> (3)happy = f(male American)
3rd stop --> (0)miserable = f(female Chinese)
4th stop --> (0)miserable = f(female Malay)
5th stop --> (1)unhappy = f(male Chinese)

Conclusion = x(boss) = gender does not play a role. Race seems to have an effect. I work well for non-Asian boss.

following the same deduction method, I reach the following conclusion
x(work nature)= I am happier in R&D than HR
x(environment/culture) = I am happier in cooperative environment than competitive or complacent
x(income)= money seem to have no impact to my fulfillment at work

Hence, in DOE terms, my finding can be concluded as below;

F(happiness @ work) = f(non Asian boss) + f(job which deals with things,not people) + f(cooperative culture)

There could be more X factors which I have not considered since I have not experienced them (i.e having no boss at all), but I'll improvise my formula as I go. But as of today, the above is good enough determinant should I decide to apply or accept a new job offer...or maybe try an entirely new experiment to have a career break!

Do you LOVE your job?

I was at home yesterday, down with flu, cough & headache. Dr. gave me some medicine that supposedly to knock me down hence she gave me the day off and asked me to rest. I have a few to do list to catch up, but decided to follow Dr's order to really rest.

While lying down on the sofa, my sweet Alyssa came and asked "how come you are not at work, mummy?". "I'm sick, honey". Silence. Then she asked "Do you LOVE your job?". I took a while to answer. "I like it, but I don't LOVE it". Quickly I asked her the same question, trying to avoid her follow-up 'why?' question. Such a relief to hear her say " I LIKE & LOVE my school". Which is obvious, she looks forward to go to school, started immediately on her homework once she reached home, and shared her daily routine with us voluntarily.

Unfortunately for me; the story is opposite. I DON'T look forward to work, I procastinate every job that I have, and I stop sharing about the happenings at work.

I have been to a few job interviews recently, looking yet for another escape. But in all the interviews, I hear the same theme' bigger responsibility, more time away from family, more stress, more tired...though they offer more MONEY. I have been down that route before, when money was not a problem but time & energy was. I knew what it's like, I know how it feels. Question is should I maintain the same route to complete my journey? Soon, I will be 36. Another 4 years before I hit 40. The Prophet Muhammed SAW once said "Sesiapa yang berusia 40 tahun, amalan kebajikannya belum mengatasi amalan kejahatannya, maka bersedialah ia ke neraka Allah." (Riwayat Tabrani). Scary thought...

a short poem I got from another blogger, which serve me right;

engkau beriya mahu syurga..
tapi kau cinta dunia..
kau sayang pada agama..
tapi kau tidak mengangkatnya..
setakat fardhu yang kau laksana..
kau dah rasa sempurna..
kemudian engkau boleh kata..
yang haram itu tak apa..
sikit saja.
sampai kapan mahu di takuk lama?


I seriously don't know what's stopping me from leaving this kind of 'world' (the one I am used to) to a new world. I must confront and conquer my fear, and have greater faith. I hope that one day I would be able to answer just as confident as my sweet girl; "I LOVE my job!".

Goodbye, Motorola!

Today marks my last day as a Motorolan. After spending nearly 6 years with Motorola, it's not easy to bid farewell. Especially to those who have touched and influenced my life in so many different ways.

But life goes on. And the only thing constant about life, is change. How ironic. And everytime the wind of chain goes our way, we must be able to shift our sails accordingly, else we will drift away. Up until today, I still believe I live an intentional life (with Allah's will of course), instead of just drifting on the sea of life like a dead wood.

Above is my farewell note I sent to my Motorolan friends today. Most replied with kind words and well wishes. Some expressed their envy of my courage. Courage to change my life, my destiny. To this I sent the below reply:

Change is not easy. And it complicates matters more, when more lives (not just yours) are involved. In my case, my decision will impact my husband's career & life, my children's education & life. To a certain extend, my parents' & brothers' too. Too many lives involved, too many risks to take, too many possibilities of failure. When I get scared in making such important decision with so much at stake, I usually remind myself that I am responsible not only for what I do, but also for what I do not do. That doesn't help to diminish the fear, but it instills the courage to do something despite the fear.

Despite my brave front, I am very anxious about this decision of leaving Motorola and Singapore. Am I doing the right thing for myself? my family? my husband? Will they be happy? Will I be happy? Only Allah knows best. For now, I will do my very best to make it and be responsible of this choice that I have made. So Allah help me!

Steve Job: Connecting the dots

I received a call this morning. I got a job offer for a job I have never applied for. Great news? Not exactly. Not when I am in the midst of preparing myself for another job.


I feel like I am again at that spot about slightly over a year ago, when I received the job offer for this role I am currently in. Again, I am at this junction needing to decide whether to turn right or turn left. On my right, I am very familiar with the folks, their strength, their weakness and their idiosyncrsies. The same, they can say about me. Though the task is not exactly rocket science, it provides enough challange since I am new to it, and it excites me since it aligns with my passion.

On my left, is a territory I have yet ventured into. I don't know the people, except for the one or two who called me this morning. The job sounds very intimidating. It would be very easy for me to say no, but a little voice inside of me says "wait, let's consider it". Her argument: there MUST be a reason why this opportunity knocks on your door now.

I need to talk this out with someone...but having trouble to find who that someone is. Most of my close friends have enough problems on their own, and I feel guilty consuming their time talking about how confused I am. And yes, I am also too vain to ignore if they perceive me as 'showing off' having receive these offers when people are starving for jobs in the current economy state.

I searched the net for some articles, quotes, anything that might help me to decide. For some reason I stumbled upon this speech by Steve Jobs at Stanford Graduation on June 12th, 2005:

My list can wait...I must write this entry to mark 5th November as a history day, for the world. This proves that people can accept change, no matter how absurd the idea seems decades ago.

Wonder how this result will impact the world order...

Dato' Shah Rukh Khan

Gosh...not a day goes by without me having this thought in my mind: "I gotta write about this in my blog!".....before I knew it the list of "I gotta write this" becomes so long...I wanted to write about:


1. Alyssa's smart-*ss comebacks
2. Amirul's progress (follow up from lasy year entry on introvert child)
3. My new job
4. My expererience watching theater at Singapore Esplanade
5. My Raya experience in Singapore
6. My puasa experience in Singapore
7. Singapore being in top 10 on International Transperancy Index
8. 40 things I want to do before I reach 40 (got 6 more years to go)
9. Upload my recording of me playing Linkin Park's songs on piano (self taught)
10. Shak Rukh Khan dapat Dato'


If my blog have any fans, I would ask them to vote which entry they want me to write first. But since I do not, then I will choose according to my own priority.... Shah Rukh Khan, it is then.


"WHAT? Are you pulling my leg?" That was my initial reaction when the news hit me. Every now and then, Malaysian politicians never seem to fail to amaze me how ridiculously stupid can they be. Reminded me of my 'smart-*ss' remark to my Mom when she asked my son Amirul to grow up to be a Minister. I said "Then what is he supposed to do with the other half of his brain then?". ;-p


Yesterday they printed the news on Singapore Today's newspaper; so it is not a joke...soon he will be Dato' Shah Rukh Khan. To all Shah Rukh's fans (my mom being no. 1 on the list), I am not anti-Shah Rukh Khan. I have nothing against him and I do think he is a great actor, eventhough I have only watched 2 of his movies (itu pun terpaksa since dalam pantang duduk ngan Mak). But being knighted is a big deal and one has to truly deserve to earn that title (okay...maybe the word 'earn' is too much since we all know majority of the existing Dato' never did earn it). How I wish to have an open debate about this with the 'genius' who suggested/approved his knighthood. Below would be our debate points, if it ever to take place:



Me: Enlighthen me, please for my cranium fail to synthesize this recent announcement, why do you think a foreigner like Shah Rukh Khan deserve a Datukship?


Genius: err...okay what.... Not the first time a foreigner got Dato'....


Me: I agree...though it still puzzles me why until now M.Nasir has yet to be one despite all he's done for our music industry. Nevermind, let's stick to Bollywood for now. What specific contribution has Shah Rukh Khan done to deserve this title?

Genius: What a stupid question. You don't know ar he is very famous? A lot of people watching him..I know this coz my Datin has all of his DVDs. Also during Raya 2002, all TV stations play only hindi movies. When he comes here for concert, DPM wife also invite him to her home. Famous tau! In his film...apa nama...One 2 Ka 4 ...or was it, One 2 go Carrefour...I dah lupa, tapi they shot in Melaka. People see Melaka nice, come here..boost our tourism. His movies are seen by people all over the world and this is cost-free advertisement for us.


Me: May I know, how many percent of the film you've mentioned was shot in Melaka? the entire film? Was the story plot involves Melaka's history? You have to pardon me since I don't make it a habit to waste my life watching movies that will diminish my IQ.


Genius: Tak pernah tengok ka? rugi....Juhi Chawla seksi wooo....


Me: Excuse me...back to my stupid question, please?


Genius: (drooling) oh ya...eh! lupa...I also donno how many shot taken in Melaka, but as I said, Juhi Chawla so seksi..


Me: Very well, I get your (pointless) point. Moving on, do you have the statistics of how much boost did Melaka receive after the screening of One 2 Ka 4? How many percent of that boost comes from tourists from India? How much was their spending in Melaka?


Genius: why...you...why you like numbers so much? No need statistics, no need percentage...I went that day, I saw a lot of Indian tourists, you know. You don't believe me, you go lah...


Me: okayyy....how do you know they are not local Malaysian Indian?


Genius: Same also what? Indian also kan? (beginning to get irritated with the questions)..ada apa lagi nak tanya?


Me: Okay, one final question. If I were to play along with your judgement and buy the points of tourism boost and all, why then only award Shah Rukh Khan. Why not the director, or the producer..after all they were the ones funded the film, hence the advertisement of Melaka. Or what about they guy who choose Melaka? I am pretty sure Shah Rukh didn't insist the set to be in Melaka. I fail to see why he deserve it, after all he did get paid to act and lip-sync in the movie. It's not like he did the movie for free...


Genius: Err..apa yg hang merepek nih? tak paham lah. Director, Producer...depa tak famous. Awat nak bagi depa pulak?


Me: I guess we just have to agree to disagree then. Very well...thank you so much for your time.


Genius: okay...I gotta go,...it's 3:30pm...hindi movie is starting after Berita Terkini on TV3...eh! jom lah join I sekali! Ada Juhi Chawla tau!

Me: Tak pe Dato'. Terima Kasih. Saya kena pergi ambik wuduk, nak sembahyang hajat...for the sake of our children's future. Lepas tu nak tengok citer P.Ramlee...nak dengar balik tang dia kata "Kecik2 tak nak m*mp*s, dah besar menyusahkan orang"...bye.

2008 Raya & Ramadhan: Part 1

This is a long overdued entry. Thanks Kak Eida, for reminding me to update this blog, really occupied with work lately.

We went back to Msia for 6 days to celebrate Aidilfitri. We had such a great time. I had such a great learning too (more on this later). We spent 3 days at each side (mine & in-laws). On my side, we went to Kampung Ulu Dong, to visit my paternal grandparents. They are both over 80 years old. I have a sweet spot for Ulu Dong, since I grew up there. It's a pity I can only go back once a year and for a short while. How I wish I could spend a lot more time and do all the fun things back then like climbing up trees and jump into the river below, playing konda-kondi or riding honda cup bike around the village. ahhh...the good old days where we didn't need a PSP to feel the time flies by.. (Shot of Alyssa and her cousins Ika & Ayuni in front of ATuk & Wan's house in Ulu Dong)

From the left

(Last Row: Safiruz (younger bro), Azmir (hubby), Daniel (youngest bro), Anaz (younger bro), Along Rudin (Eldest bro).)

(Sitting: Ogy (Safiruz's wife) with Sofi on her lap, me, Abah, Mak, Gee (Along's wife) with Iman on her lap.

(Sitting infront: Amirul, Alyssa, Ayuni (Along's eldest) & Ika (Safiruz's eldest).

On the way to Ulu Dong, we stopped by a small town Raub. It's very much still the same since I last see it. Abah wishes to have our entire family portrait considering the last we had was when he had only Amirul as grandchild. Now he has 6 grandchildren! Anybody knows my Abah wouldn't be surprised since photography is his thing. Our home at Karak looks more like a museum with none of the walls is free of photos of us.

If any lessons are to be learned from, during this aidilfitri, then I would have to cite the visit to Ulu Dong tops my list. Wan (my paternal grandmother) is 81 years old. She is suffering from alzheimer, hence have only minimal percent of her CPU memory can be used. She can't even remember her children's names. Nonetheless she was extremely happy having many people around. She decided to follow us home, and packed her clothings, 2 big tumblers, a pair of sunglasses, in a wrapped up batik sarongs. We just let her do as she wishes since she is not herself anymore. Whatever makes her happy.

We brought Wan home for that 1 hour journey from Ulu Dong to Karak. After dinner, we all prop out our sleeping gears in the living room, with my dad taking a spot right next to her. After dinner, Abah entertained his mom reminiscing old time. I almost cry hearing their hardship during Abah's childhood days. At the end of every month, they had to walk to the nearest small town of Dong, which is at least 15 miles of walk, to get Atuk's monthly salary (he was a teacher) and to buy groceries. Atuk (my grand dad) had to carry 2 boys aged 8 & 6 (my dad and his younger bro) who sits in sarongs attached to ends of bamboo which he single handedly carried to Dong. Wan had to carry 3 year old De (my uncle). There were no tarred road, only small pathway along the river. They were constantly on the alert since the entire family's was at risk - there was no way they could survive any attact from elephants, tiger or even a snake. Abah told this story back to his mom, with a small hope it might help jogs back her old memory. To my surprise, Wan remembers the day quite vividly. I sensed a sad tone when Abah replied to all my ridiculous questions like "goodness! you guys actually WALKED that far? WHY?" or "Weren't you afraid?" or "man! I cannot imagine doing that!".

Abah felt asleep next to his mom, caressing her wrinkled, worn out hands. Hands which survived hardship raising 8 children. The same hands now caressing him with the same gentleness, only difference is she doesn't know they are my dad's. I could see it in her eyes, how confuse Wan is. To Wan, Abah is just a stranger, who some how share the same good old memory with her. A stranger who is so kind to take her into his shelter and make jokes to lighten her heart. A stranger who is so familiar yet she can't make out his name quite yet.

Looking at how Abah entertains her mom that nite, makes her laugh and show her love & warmth..I was overwhlemed with both pride & sadness. I pray silently for the same strength to do the same when it's my time to take care of him when he needs my cheering up the most. InsyaAllah.

SOUNDTRACK: Shila's Survival Guidein Singapore

How can I sum up my experiences working in Singapore, in a way that would make people understand? I could write all bits and pieces, but it'll end up as thick as any Tolkien's books, with chapter 13:Office Politics being the thickest and most moist (with my saliva from all my curses and swearing).

Maybe a string of songs which have accompanied me in my journey on this materialist, soulless island could do a better job at describing my state of mind. Just like a soundtrack of a movie, the selected songs are supposed to 'bring home' the message of a particular part of a story. Okay, I'll do just that then...my very own Soundtrack (atau runut bunyi bak kata orang Pahang), with bonus of "Books which helped me along the way".

p/s: For the record, Singapore is not the first out of Malaysia country I work in. I have worked in US & Germany before. Author's reminder to readers to avoid the conclusion of such a 'katak bawah tempurung" I am.

The first 3 months:

Soundtrack: Michael Buble 'Home' / Readings: 8th Habit by Stephen R. Covey

I played this song on my laptop (with earphones on) almost everyday at work, until my 'understanding & supportive' boss told me to stop listening to music at work. "You are creating boundaries with others," was her lame excuse. The chorus "Let me go home....." strikes a raw nerve...I have missed my friends & family...people who give a damn about other people. Slowly I told myself...."It's just a matter of time...you'll get over this.."

The 2nd quarter :

Soundtrack: Dave Matthews Band "Sing Along' / Readings: The Speed of Trust by Stephen M.R. Covey

By this time, it puzzled me how other fellow Penangites were able to survive here. Slowly I can clearly see the unspoken rules of the game in order to get along with the majority. In short, if at all I want to make it, I need to do all of these:

1. accept total command & control. whoever is higher than you in ranking, has an automatic higher decree of truth in his/her speech, so much so that even to question it (even out of need to understand) is considered as insubordination.

2. accept the fact that I must be able to control my brain not to get too creative because 'things are different here. It just won't work".

3. accept that it is a norm to be talking bad about a fellow colleague who is not present during lunch or even at formal meeting. When the person turns up, do not attempt to confront him/her for the real truth. Act friendly.

4. Doing the right thing is secondary to your personal gain (saving own face is included as personal gain).

5. Before agreeing to do any job, the first question one should ask is "what's in it for me?" and "how much additional job are we talking exactly?". If the answers to the above questions are "Nothing, besides your regular pay" and "A lot" respectively...then it's your obligation to your own self to act dumb and shut up, so that no one will nominate you to take up the job.

6. Any problem, especially interpersonal related are not to be confronted openly in order to be resolved. Let it fester, Remain friendly and say nice things to the people you don't like when in front of them, but act completely differently in their absence.

7. If 'great sense of accountability' is included in the annual performance rating, then the company would save millions from having to pay salary increament. A skill called 'dodging' accountability at all cost (you can by find a scapegoat, creating rumors to embellish one's reputation, back stabbing, manipulation) is an absolute must have. Nothing is considered disgraceful as long as you won't get the blame or own up and say "I'm sorry, I screwed up."

8. Being proactive can back fire. So just remain reactive. Why fix if it ain't broken?

9. Surface value is utmost important. Doesn't matter if you produce sub-standard work, as long as people ( a bonus if it's your boss) noticed you to be the earliest in the office, or latest to leave for home. If you can't do this, then you need to log on at wee hours in the morning to send un-urgent email. It doesn't matter if you have only $2 in your purse, and string of heavily used credit cards as long as they are in either LV, Coach or Burberry purse or handbag.

10. It is entirely acceptable to say completely opposite views from the ones you truly believe in, depending on the audience. You are allowed (or even expected) to sway your view towards the ones you have high investment in, be it the highest ranking person (for the fear of insubordination) or your direct boss (for he/she has your increment in his/her hands) or your lunch mate (they might talk bad about you when you're not around, or worst ditch you from the lunch group). Bottom line is : Do not risk ANYTHING over the truth.

For weeks, I went thru all the lists, and wonder which one, if not all I can accept and live with. When I felt sick in the stomach and my soul was strangling me from within to knock some sense out of me, I decided not to accept even one, and remain true to my self and the principles I believe in. I choose to take the road less travelled. Which I soon learned was a bad decision, but nonetheless I am happy I still have my soul as my best friend.

The 3rd quarter:

Soundtrack: Linkin Park 'Given Up' / Readings : How To Deal With People You Can't Stand

To be honest, I learned this song from my hubby. I stumbled upon it by accident on his ipod. I cried bad when I first hear it (yes Linkin Park song CAN make you cry). I could feel my husband's suffering at work from the lyrics. And the combined guilt and helplessness I feel for uprooting the family to come here, consumed me like fire on dead leaves.

The 4rth quarter: (the present)

Soundtrack: Linkin Park "From The Inside" / Readings : Don't Be Sad by Sheikh al-Qadni

I found this song today. And it's rather timely too since I was looking for my last words to my boss and fellow co-workers, on the day I call my personal 'Merdeka' September 29th 2008. It will be the day I'll celebrate my 34 years on earth, and I will have the greatest birthday gift ever: They have approved my request to transfer to another department...as a transition before my next, exciting, very intriguing, fulfilling assignment: Helping my fellow Penangites at home!

It's Only Words

Despite being technically trained, I have always have the fancy for words & language. I should've been a Linguist or Speech Therapist. Oh well, next life maybe. In the mean time, I'd just fulfill my long lost dream with this blog and some other writing forms.

My brother just saw they put my book on Ebay for RM4.00!!! Okay, that's an exaggeration for sure....not MY book, but I contributed to the book. My poem was chosen to win a Dewan Bahasa & Pustaka contest back in 1991 and they have compiled it in a book. But it felt good to have selected, even though the royalty from the book selling was minuscule.

One my favorite Poet, Mufti Perlis Dr. Muhammad Asri bin Zainal Abidin wrote a nice poem in response ( I presume) to the recent Permatang Pauh by-election. Titled "Looking For a Replacement", this candid, straight to the point poem has a very poignant conclusion which I loved so very much; "Let's find a replacement with a high character. Let's not replace a thief with a robber". Ouch! That's gotta hurt!.

Wise words help me heal, think and learn. I think I will dedicate a special folder in this blog of mine, to share all the poems & songs lyrics that have helped me in my life in their unique way. These poems will be included in my "Things I Left Behind For My Children" list, along with my books. May be a tad of bad news for them for the list contains no house, no land or any money. Just my favorites 'must-read' books & poems. Just words, my dear children...to help strengthen your inner self on your daily walks towards Him.

Ticked by Office Politics

Three....is a nice number. But not so nice when it's equal to the total number of REAL FRIENDS I have made so far during my 11 months in Singapore.

My back hurt pretty bad today, when I touched it, it bleeds. I have been stabbed in the back (though not literally, it still hurts nonetheless) for the umpteenth time, by my fellow co-workers. I refused to use to word colleagues to define them, since by definition of Thesaurus.com, "colleagues" means:

Synonyms:
aide, ally, assistant, associate, buddy, cohort, compatriot, confrere, consort, crony, partner, teammate
Roget's II: The New Thesaurus
Main Entry:
associate
Definition:
One who is united in a relationship with another.
Synonyms:
affiliate, ally, cohort, confederate, copartner, fellow, partner

From the above synonym list: aide, ally, buddy, cohort, partner, teammate, fellow....all are OVERSTATEMENT which should not be used to describe majority of people I am currently working with.

Yes...you've guessed it. I am pissed. In fact, I am wayyyy beyond pissed.

I won't smear my blog or this holy month of Ramadan by describing in details their despicable schemes, which I have never encountered before in my 11 years of career. By the end of this year, I figure I should be able to write a book titled "Office Politics and the Cowards it Produced".

To survive my 10 hours in the office yesterday was almost unbearable. Maybe Ramadan helps to heighten my patience limit, or I am just too hungry to give them a piece of my mind ... either way they are lucky. I spent the whole night reading one of my favorite remedies, which is helpful at trying time like this; "Don't Be Sad" By Sheikh 'Aaidh ibn Abdullah al Qarni. In the chapter "How to deal with bitter criticism", the wise Sheikh wrote this potent advice:

"Those who are ignorant have curses at Allah, the Exalted, the Creator of all that exists, so what treatment should we, who are full of faults, expect from people? You will always have to face criticism, which in its onslaught is like an interminable war: it shows no sign of ending. As long as you shine, give, produce, and have an effect upon others, then disapproval and condemnation will be you lot in life. Until you escape from people by finding a tunnel in the ground or a ladder leading to the sky, they will not desist from censuring you, from finding fault in your character.

And here is something you should contemplate: a person who is sitting on the ground does not fall, and people do not kick a dead dog. Therefore their anger toward you can be attributed to you surpassing them in righteousness, knowledge, manners, or wealth. In their eyes, you are a transgressor whose wrongs cannot be atoned for - unless you abandon your talents and strip yourself of all praiseworthy qualities, so that you become stupid, worthless, and to them, innocuous. This result IS exactly what they want for you.

So remain firm and patient when facing their insults and criticism. If you are wounded by their words, and let them have influence over you, you will have realized their hopes for them. Instead forgive them by showing them the most beautiful of manners. Turn away from them and do not feel distressed by their schemes. Their disapproval of you only increases you in worth and merit.

Verily, you will not be able to silence them, but you will be able to bury their criticism by turning away from them and dismissing what they have to say.

Say: Perish in your rage. (Qur'an 3:119)

In fact, you will be able to increase them in their own rage by increasing your merits and developing your talents. I you desire to be accepted by all and loved by all, you desire the unattainable."

I savour each word, just like I did the delicious fried rice my maid prepared for iftar just now. I cried after every sentence (though this is not the first time I'm reading this book), embarrassed at my own stupidity for allowing them to piss me off. He makes so much sense, that I feel very much better now. Thank you Sheikh, may Allah rewards you with your kind work.

and Alhamdulillah, praise to you my Lord, for your Kindness

and to those whom I wrote about in this entry, Thank you for the experience. I have never imagined human can be so low.

Pro-Anwar, Anti-Anwar , Atas Pagar...

The people have spoken...YET AGAIN, to deaf ears.....

This piece is especially dedicated to those more than 30,000 people of Permatang Pauh who have the balls to speak up against the ridicule we have been living under for so long. Thank you, kindly....and Kudos! for it's not easy to shift one's paradigm and to see the unseen.

Also Thank you for each one who made time to be there, how I wish I could join the electrifyingly historic moment of the true 'MERDEKA'.

Since the nomination day, I have engaged in quite a number of interesting conversations, from Pro-Anwar camp, Anti-Anwar camp, and the atas-pagar camp. Below some snippets of the points exchanged, and my two cents comeback:

Anti Anwar Camp:

"Kalau betul dia tak buat (liwat), kenapa takut nak sumpah atas Quran?" ("If he (Anwar) is truly innocent (of sodomy allegation), why is he afraid to swear on the Quran?"

My 2 cents (in Sing dollar, mind you...;-p):

Let's do a scenario planning...say that if Anwar choose to stoop as low and make a mockery out of our Holy Book (which I am so glad he didn't), we ended having 2 guys swearing on the same holy book, asserting two opposite stands. Then what? What conclusion can we derive from this disrespectful acts?

"Pas tu, kenapa tak bagi DNA sample? Kenapa takut?" ("Then, how about DNA sample? Why afraid to give one?"

My 2 cents:

Why do they need fresh sample, when they can used the one they already had from last 10 years? They want to spray them on new mattress now?

Atas Pagar Camp (On the Fence Camp):

" Alah....sama je sume. Belum dapat kuasa, macam tu lah. Bila dah menang nanti gila kuasa jugak!" ("They are all the same! Yet to be in power, can say lots of things. Once win, will go power crazy as well!)

My 2 cents:

That is possible, but what have we got to loose? If in the end, Anwar turns out to be a culprit too, we will be back to the same power crazy government.... then we are not worse off than we are now, wont we? But if we dont give him the chance, we'll never find out, and we will forever be in the state of Not-Merdeka. From my perspective, we have nothing to loose, but everything to gain, if Anwar is all what he is hyped up to be.

"Initially I was in awe with Anwar. But lately he has turned this into a personal war of him against the government. It's no longer about the rakyat, it's about his personal struggle"

My 2 cents:

If somebody were to accuse me of similarly hideous act, brought ultimate shame to my spouse, children & parents, stripped me off my dignity by examining my "exhaust pipe" (excuse my French), intimidating my friends, threathening my security....I'll be a mad man if I don't take it personally. To struggle against such personal injustice, in turn will also be a struggle for the rakyat. It shows that if a public figure can be treated as such, one can only imagine if it were to happen to us, the rakyat.

Enough said....quoting the ever funny guy, Nabil.."Engko pikir lah sendiri!" (Go and think for your self lah!)