Anaqi is 5 months old now. Who is he? He's my 3rd bundle of joy, whom decided to join this world on 25th August 2010. That would explain my silence...well that's not entirely true, as Facebook is the main reason I have 'abandoned' this blog. It's a lot easier and faster way to 'vent', I must say.
And with Anaqi being 5 months old, I am an official professional mum, now that my 6 month probation period is over. And the real reality will hit soon enough when my Indonesian maid is gone in a couple of weeks time....sigh, so not looking fwd to the house chores.
My dearest friend, Jue (who is a full time mother since as long as I can remember) encouraged but not with little warning of how tough a stay-at-home life could be. Dang..was she right! I have been wanting to write about my new experience by categorizing them in UPs & DOWNs of a SAHM life, but there are mixed feelings in everything (only differs in degree), so I'll try a new way of summarizing the experience:
...of staying home (almost) 24-7
UPs: I love the fact that I don't need to rush getting ready for work. Though I still need to get up early to fix breakfast for hubby & the kids, the motivation makes a lot of difference. Thought I'd be a sinetron-cum-FB addicted couch potato, but I hardly turn on the TV or the PC during daytime. After sending off hubby & the kids at the gate (Thankful for hubby's volunteering to ferry them to school), my schedule/chores revolves around Anaqi's clock. The only time I get to catch up on emails/FB is when he's napping. I definitely don't miss KL traffic and its moronic Q jumpers. Or gossipy,bitchy or insecured colleagues. Ahhhh....baiti jannati...
DOWNs: I do get lonely, missing face to face (and at times in your face) adult conversation but I think I can live without that for years to come. Am grateful to FB, since I still feel somehow connected to the world, yet safe since I can just unplug anytime I feel I wanna be alone (which is ost of the time).
INTERESTING: I used to look down on moms who sit in the car waiting for their kids at the school gate. I used to tell myself "what a lousy way to kill time! Why not just get the kids to use the school bus and use that time for better things!". I pick up the kids from school everyday at 4pm, and really looking forward to it. The 20 min ride to home is rather pleasant, listening to my kids' (80% from my extrovert daughter, 20% from my introvert son) stories. This kinda of bonding, I have never experienced before and shall cherish it when I turn grey. We also get to perform maghrib together, Alhamdulillah. Which followed by a short tazkirah by me or hubby, reciting of Quran & doing revision together. Things I never had the time nor the energy doing when I had a career.
...of not earning a steady income
UPs: hmmmm.... this is a hard one. Okay, got it! I see money in a new perspective now. Having earned my own money since as long as I can remember (Been working as a babysitter since I was 6), and having tasted a monthly 5 figure income, you can imagine how big a change I must face now. Almost never needing to think twice about buying anything I WANT, now I have to think twice to buy even the things I NEED, and 10x of anything I WANT. I stop buying shoes unless absolutely necessary (i.e torn apart). Alhamdulillah, the experience made me more vigilant and feel much less arrogance.
DOWNs: In the first month it was tough for both my hubby and I. His jaw dropped when he paid for groceries, my ears hurt, and my heart wounded when he talks about how much money we spend on food & bills. But now he's getting the hang of it, and me too.
INTERESTING: The kids were on top of my worry list when I decided to stay home hence cutting more than 50% of our household income, but they seem to cope faster than us adults. They are okay with eating at McD or KFC or Pizza Hut only once a month (only 1 choice too). They are content with having just fish balls for dinner. They are also content with not going to the mall on monthly basis. Heck, they haven't got a single new toy or book since I quit last 7 months and I have not heard even a sigh when I politely declined their plea with 'sorry honey, ummi has no money' ! Praise to Allah swt for granting me with such wonderful kids.
...of not having a worldly title except for 'Mum'
UPs: Having to let go other titles except for wife,mother,daughter,sister to my family makes a big difference in my life. I no longer feel thin stretched, being pulled into so many directions at a time, no heavy burden on my shoulders anymore, no more using my hubby & kids as punching bag when things get crazy at the office, and best of all...NO GUILT! Peace & tranquility, words I only heard before but now am embracing them.
DOWNs: People do look down on me but I couldn't care less, except for when one of them is my own mother. It's hard for me to pin point to the exact reason of why this decision bothers her a great deal, and frankly I don't think I would like the answer. I would only pray that soon she will see the reason I am doing all these and appreciate and enjoy it as much as I do.
INTERESTING: Those who know me at work, would agree as to how fiercely competitive person I am. Once I was regarded as the lady with the tenacity of a bull dog (I took it as a compliment at the time). I do miss the sense of accomplishment (of getting a design or project done) but I don't feel like a complete failure either.
At this point in time, I can safely conclude that 24 hours in a day have never feel quite the same to me. Will this be a permanent thing of just a career break until Anaqi is big enough to go to a day care? Only Allah knows, but i will just try my very best and enjoy the ride while it lasts.
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