It Takes A Village To Raise A Child

Last Saturday, hubby and myself were invited to the open day of our children's nursery. My 3 y.o daughter goes there full time (from 8:30 till 6:00pm) while her elder brother attends the before-school care (8:30 till 12:40pm). The weekend before we were attending the open day of his formal school (he is in standard one in the main stream primary school). That was when we were shocked to hear from his class teacher about his extreme shyness, uncooperation and aloofness. And she advised us to push him to come out of his shell more. His self-esteem needs boosting.

Expecting the same story to be repeated here at the nursery, we were prepared with the list of to dos we wanted to share with his nursery teacher, who overseas his homework progress, as well as providing supportive learning materials according to the formal school's sllybus.

We were surprised to hear a completely different story, and saw his wonderful works. His writings were terrific, his drawing and coloring could earn him an easy A, and the teacher went on and on about his excellent character - volunteers to answer in class, eager to participate and help others. When asked if we need to boost his self-esteem as suggested by the primary school teacher last week..this one simply said "Nonsense! he is the most confident 7 y.o I've ever seen"

I couldn't believe myself..how is it possible that we hear a completely opposing assessment about the same person, during the same duration (1st semester)? Is he a problem or not? Does he need a push from us or not? What should we do?

I don't believe in coincidence. There's a reason why I picked up that book "The Introvert Advantage" the other day to understand my boy's personality better and how can we help him. With my new level of awareness and hence acceptance of his uniqueness, I try to strike a conversation with him last night, to find a solution for him. And by applying more emphatic listening (a skill I learned from the famous 7 Habits by Dr.Stephen Covey), I managed to understand the deep root of the mismatch between the different environment.

I would like to share with you, my conversation with my son, a few minutes before his bedtime.

Me: "I am so confused. How could it be possible for anybody to be acting so differently in the same day. When I compare your school work from SK, I can sense you have no interest of what you're doing - it shows in your writing and art work. On the other hand, I am so impressed to see your excellent work at the nursery. I could tell you were content, happy & learning wholeheartedly."

Son: "I guess so."

Me: "When you see your work at the nursery, how does that make you feel afterwards?"

Son: "very happy and proud"

Me: "How about at SK? Are you proud and happy of your work there too?"

Son: "No. I barely can read my own handwriting. And my drawings are horrible"

Me: "So it makes you sad to see such poor work?"

Son: "No, not really"

Me: (by this time I need to remind myself not to over-react and explain that he should be setting same high standard in all of his work regardless of the situation) "Explain to me please, what makes you do the excellent work at the nursery? Were you trying to impress your friends? Or were you trying to make me happy?"

Son: "No...I just feel like it"

Me: (Putting my ego aside since he deliberately answered he couldn't less care about me, his mom!) "I see.That's good. You are doing things for your own self - not to impress others. Now, say that God gives me a superpower that I can do almost anything I want to help you match your work at SK, with that of the excellence one. What do you want me to do?"

Son: "I dunno...what can you do?" (there's a slight excitement in his voice)

Me: "Would it help if I make some of your classmates dissapear?"

Son: (got up and sit up right)..How' are you going to do that?!"

Me: "well, I could tie them up and hit them under the stairs and only release them when school is over. Of course I need to be invisible first, otherwise they'll know it's me."

Son: "That's super! Then I have less people in the class, and less distraction to do my work!"

Me: (BINGO! so he does love the work, but the distraction from his other 39 classmates that bothers him. So, now I need to find out, if his teacher a problem too...) "How about Cikgu Jumaatun? You want me to tie her up too? I can do that too, you know with my superpower and all..."

Son: "No. She's okay. Besides, we need someone to teach us"

Me: (Relief - he still enjoys learning, not just playing. Next to find out, exactly how many classmates is too many.) "So, who in your class, you don't want me to tie up?"

Son: "Well,....Akmal, Shakira...Daniel & Hafizah. And of course myself"

Me: "Of course. Let's see...that's left only 5 of you. Meaning I have to tie....."

Son: "35 kids!!! How are you going to do that?"

Me: "Good math! I'm not too sure myself. I think I'll go to Borders tomorrow to buy a book on "How to become Invisible" and find out how."

Son: "You're kidding. They don't have books like that..." (back to lying on his bed, no more excitement)

Me: "yes, you're probably right. But it was an interesting idea nonetheless. And since it'll help you be more of yourself, I will find out how to make your class a little smaller and with less distraction"

Son:"I really love it if you could do that, mom. I don't like the noise the kids are making. And there's this boy who loves to follow me around and take my stuffs...asking me stuffs...I feel so 'rimas'..."

There you go....I have my answers to the roots of the real problem. He still likes school, his teachers and learning, but he hates his classmates. The stuffs I recently learned about introverts confirm that they don't like too many people. They get overstimulated by it, and drained rather easily. And to recharge, they need private time (which he gets only when he got home after 7pm, much to late to catch up with in-class work). That explains his horrible school work. And at the nursery, the number of children are far less, hence no extra stimulation for him, so there's enough energy for him to be excited about what he learns there.

Come to think of it, if I hadn't read the book on Introvert or learn 7 Habits prior to this conversation with my dear son, I wouldn't figure out the "behind the scene" real story. Without changing the environment, I would have foolishly expected a different result just because I, the mother have told him "You better buck-up, or else...".And in few months, if he still doesn't buck up, I'll pull out my ammunition - my superior size, my position & authority as a mother, I will yell or intimidate or threaten him. In short, I will punish him for simply being himself! Now, if I had done all those, what right do I have to call myself, his mother?

My dear Amirul went to bed, with a slight sense of relief - that there's nothing wrong with him. Watching him asleep, I couldn't hold back my tears, and Thank God for helping laying the paths for me....the book, the 7 habit workshop, the challange....all in perfect order so that I can get the point rather easily. And for giving me to courage to put my ego aside to un-learn and understand that this is not about me as a mother , but it's the welfare of my first born whom I love wholeheartedly.